I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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