Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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