just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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