I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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