My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I understand Curling. That high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
