ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Non-Jews are for practice
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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