My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
