Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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