I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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