Four minutes until I can fart!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
