You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize