sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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