Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
