His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This baby is an asshole
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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