I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
id be glad to
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
