where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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