Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
