I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
