my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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