I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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