Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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