I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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