Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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