And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
