at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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