She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
