In the future we'll all be gay
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
