haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
