I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
