i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
