Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
