: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
