So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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