Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize