textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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