I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drunk is not a location!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
