moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
