I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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