i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
