he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
