i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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