so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
