So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
