Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So here I am, sexting at work.
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