I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
