He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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