we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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