I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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