I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
