There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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