her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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