guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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