I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My balls are so social today.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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