I met the friendliest cop last night
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
