I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
