Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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