I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
