I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
