nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
