Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
