i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
