This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Mom said you looked used
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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