if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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