I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
