just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
