True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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