i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
