I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
