i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
