I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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