I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
